Painful Pasts, New Beginnings
So.
What is the purpose of this blog?
Well, I'm here to tell you, in this post. Just a note now, this post is more or less a very in depth, uncensored look into my personal life, and may be a bit graphic at points.
So, if you're not ready to take this leap into my life just yet, if you're not ready to know this much about me, now's the time to turn back.
You've been warned.
************************************************************************
Essentially, the reason for this blog, and the reason for everything that is related to this, is because I am fat.
I hate that sentence. I hate writing it. But it's true. I am fat, and I have been fat for a very, very long time. Even when I didn't, per se, look fat on the outside, I was still fat on the inside. Always fat.
It started at a young age. My parents loved to feed me, and I blame it partially on the famine they suffered through during their childhood, plus the fact that I was an only child. I would get fevers from being overfed. When I was 4, I would often roleplay with some of the kids at my preschool in China, and they decided that my permanent character would be Zhu Ba Jie in their Monkey King skits.
I was the fat pig monster.
I was always chubbier growing up, always overweight with my BMI, always wearing pants 2 sizes up for my age group. I crossed 100 lbs by the time I was in the 5th grade, and that was when I started dieting with my mom.
She didn't force me. She was trying to lose weight, and I idolized the girls at school, whose thighs were the circumference of my arms. So I did the fad diets with her. Cabbage soup. Military. Eating only bananas, lettuce, and eggs. All of them.
I had my first success in losing weight in the 9th grade. I lost 30 lbs in about 3 months. I dropped from 169 lbs in June to about 138 lbs in October. I finally fit into a size 4, even though I had to hold my breath for dear life. How'd I do it? All I ate every day was either cabbage soup, or 1 packet of ramen. I was malnourished, but I felt so happy to be "normal."
As with all fad diets, the weight bounced back, and it bounced back with a vengeance. Stress eating was always my go to, and by the time I got to sophomore year, I was 195 lbs.
I was, by definition, obese.
That was when I decided to take matters into my own hands (literally).
I was working at a clothing store at the time, early 2011, and image was a big part of the job. So one day, in the last 5 minutes of my lunch break, I went to the single use bathroom.
And I threw up.
And I threw up. And I threw up. And I threw up. And I threw up. And I threw up. And I threw up. And I threw up. And I threw up. And I threw up. And I threw up. And I threw up. And I threw up. And I threw up.
And it worked.
By summer of that year, I had lost almost another 30 lbs. I went from 195 lbs to 165 lbs. I looked up tips online, on Ana/Mia (Anorexia/Bulimia) pages, tips like 'make sure to eat something light calorie and super colorful before your binge so when you purge, it acts as an indicator that you vomited everything out.' I starved myself throughout the day, and then ate 1 huge meal when I got home after a day of school and work, which I purged out. I took laxatives, and nearly shit my pants in class just trying to get the food out.
I went from purging once a week, to twice, to everyday. At my peak, I was purging 4 or 5 times EACH DAY.
I was sick, but it was the only way I knew how to keep my weight in check.
And then....
It stopped working.
I was puking, but my weight wasn't moving. We were now hitting junior year, and I was fat again.
I was desperate. I was starving to the point where I would see stars. There was a week where all I ate each meal was a slice of bread, paired with 6 hours of swim per day. I was puking all the time. But nothing happened.
Until I walked into a Rite-Aid one afternoon, and ended up with a $40 bottle of diet pills.
I started purging in January of 2011, and diet pills in January of 2012.
At this point, I've tried just about every brand. Anything that contains phentermine, ephedra, caffeine, green tea; all the huge brands from pharmacies, and then later, the hardcore shit from specialty online warehouses.
Some of the blends were essentially Speed.
I was 17. And I was overdosing on OTC amphetamines.
But it worked.
Freshman year of college, I dropped down to my lowest weight in 4 years. I hit 145 lbs, and I felt so proud. All through college, I would continue to put myself on crazy diets, anywhere from as high as 1000 calories a day to as low as 300. I skipped meals, which I replaced with alcohol.
But I was hot. People lusted after me. Men lusted after me. I was a commodity.
I felt wanted.
I actually started exercising. Which, sure, sounds healthy, until you realize that my daily routine looked like the following:
Schedule
Breakfast: 1 hard boiled egg
Lunch: 6 pieces of lettuce, 3 cherry tomatoes, 8 baby carrots
Dinner: 4 oz. sweet potato
Exercise: Run 6 miles, dance 1 hour
Midnight snack: 1 medium Dominos Pizza, 16 piece wings, 1 pasta bowl, 1 cookie brownie, 2-liter coke. (Immediately regurgitated)
Around this time, the problems started to appear.
I visited my dentist at some point, who asked me if I liked drinking acidic juices. She warned me not to brush immediately after drinking these, because it was starting to take affect on my teeth.
Too bad I was essentially gargling with stomach acid everyday.
I got a nosebleed at some point, during a purging session. All of a sudden, bright red blood was falling into the toilet bowl. I panicked. I stopped purging. For 2 weeks.
I gave myself ulcers. I had bloody stool. I literally was running fevers because of this. The diet pills were no better. I had insomnia, the worst depressive episodes when I ran out and my new batch hadn't arrived. I was a fucking mess.
I literally wanted to die. I found no value in preserving myself, trying to keep alive this body that I was torturing, that I was literally pushing to the brink of death. I toyed with the idea on multiple occasions. Why not?
Something happened, though. I'm not sure what exactly changed things. But by the end of last year, I got a little fed up with things. I was tired with not loving myself, I was tired of all the damage I was doing.
So, about a month ago, after almost 8 years of bulimia, and 7 years of diet pills, I stopped.
It might have been because I burned my esophagus. I gave myself esophagitis. To a point where if it happened again, it could lead to an increased risk of cancer.
Maybe I did it not even for myself, but for my parents.
Either way, however, I decided that that was it.
I have not relapsed, and I don't plan to.
That said, my life has recently become very sedentary, and high in calories. That, paired with my loved for drinking, and with the lack of purging and diet pills, has really led to a spike in my weight the last month.
So.
What are we going to do?
Check it out in the next post.
What is the purpose of this blog?
Well, I'm here to tell you, in this post. Just a note now, this post is more or less a very in depth, uncensored look into my personal life, and may be a bit graphic at points.
So, if you're not ready to take this leap into my life just yet, if you're not ready to know this much about me, now's the time to turn back.
You've been warned.
************************************************************************
Essentially, the reason for this blog, and the reason for everything that is related to this, is because I am fat.
I hate that sentence. I hate writing it. But it's true. I am fat, and I have been fat for a very, very long time. Even when I didn't, per se, look fat on the outside, I was still fat on the inside. Always fat.
It started at a young age. My parents loved to feed me, and I blame it partially on the famine they suffered through during their childhood, plus the fact that I was an only child. I would get fevers from being overfed. When I was 4, I would often roleplay with some of the kids at my preschool in China, and they decided that my permanent character would be Zhu Ba Jie in their Monkey King skits.
I was the fat pig monster.
I was always chubbier growing up, always overweight with my BMI, always wearing pants 2 sizes up for my age group. I crossed 100 lbs by the time I was in the 5th grade, and that was when I started dieting with my mom.
She didn't force me. She was trying to lose weight, and I idolized the girls at school, whose thighs were the circumference of my arms. So I did the fad diets with her. Cabbage soup. Military. Eating only bananas, lettuce, and eggs. All of them.
I had my first success in losing weight in the 9th grade. I lost 30 lbs in about 3 months. I dropped from 169 lbs in June to about 138 lbs in October. I finally fit into a size 4, even though I had to hold my breath for dear life. How'd I do it? All I ate every day was either cabbage soup, or 1 packet of ramen. I was malnourished, but I felt so happy to be "normal."
As with all fad diets, the weight bounced back, and it bounced back with a vengeance. Stress eating was always my go to, and by the time I got to sophomore year, I was 195 lbs.
I was, by definition, obese.
That was when I decided to take matters into my own hands (literally).
I was working at a clothing store at the time, early 2011, and image was a big part of the job. So one day, in the last 5 minutes of my lunch break, I went to the single use bathroom.
And I threw up.
And I threw up. And I threw up. And I threw up. And I threw up. And I threw up. And I threw up. And I threw up. And I threw up. And I threw up. And I threw up. And I threw up. And I threw up. And I threw up.
And it worked.
By summer of that year, I had lost almost another 30 lbs. I went from 195 lbs to 165 lbs. I looked up tips online, on Ana/Mia (Anorexia/Bulimia) pages, tips like 'make sure to eat something light calorie and super colorful before your binge so when you purge, it acts as an indicator that you vomited everything out.' I starved myself throughout the day, and then ate 1 huge meal when I got home after a day of school and work, which I purged out. I took laxatives, and nearly shit my pants in class just trying to get the food out.
I went from purging once a week, to twice, to everyday. At my peak, I was purging 4 or 5 times EACH DAY.
I was sick, but it was the only way I knew how to keep my weight in check.
And then....
It stopped working.
I was puking, but my weight wasn't moving. We were now hitting junior year, and I was fat again.
I was desperate. I was starving to the point where I would see stars. There was a week where all I ate each meal was a slice of bread, paired with 6 hours of swim per day. I was puking all the time. But nothing happened.
Until I walked into a Rite-Aid one afternoon, and ended up with a $40 bottle of diet pills.
I started purging in January of 2011, and diet pills in January of 2012.
At this point, I've tried just about every brand. Anything that contains phentermine, ephedra, caffeine, green tea; all the huge brands from pharmacies, and then later, the hardcore shit from specialty online warehouses.
Some of the blends were essentially Speed.
I was 17. And I was overdosing on OTC amphetamines.
But it worked.
Freshman year of college, I dropped down to my lowest weight in 4 years. I hit 145 lbs, and I felt so proud. All through college, I would continue to put myself on crazy diets, anywhere from as high as 1000 calories a day to as low as 300. I skipped meals, which I replaced with alcohol.
But I was hot. People lusted after me. Men lusted after me. I was a commodity.
I felt wanted.
I actually started exercising. Which, sure, sounds healthy, until you realize that my daily routine looked like the following:
Schedule
Breakfast: 1 hard boiled egg
Lunch: 6 pieces of lettuce, 3 cherry tomatoes, 8 baby carrots
Dinner: 4 oz. sweet potato
Exercise: Run 6 miles, dance 1 hour
Midnight snack: 1 medium Dominos Pizza, 16 piece wings, 1 pasta bowl, 1 cookie brownie, 2-liter coke. (Immediately regurgitated)
Around this time, the problems started to appear.
I visited my dentist at some point, who asked me if I liked drinking acidic juices. She warned me not to brush immediately after drinking these, because it was starting to take affect on my teeth.
Too bad I was essentially gargling with stomach acid everyday.
I got a nosebleed at some point, during a purging session. All of a sudden, bright red blood was falling into the toilet bowl. I panicked. I stopped purging. For 2 weeks.
I gave myself ulcers. I had bloody stool. I literally was running fevers because of this. The diet pills were no better. I had insomnia, the worst depressive episodes when I ran out and my new batch hadn't arrived. I was a fucking mess.
I literally wanted to die. I found no value in preserving myself, trying to keep alive this body that I was torturing, that I was literally pushing to the brink of death. I toyed with the idea on multiple occasions. Why not?
Something happened, though. I'm not sure what exactly changed things. But by the end of last year, I got a little fed up with things. I was tired with not loving myself, I was tired of all the damage I was doing.
So, about a month ago, after almost 8 years of bulimia, and 7 years of diet pills, I stopped.
It might have been because I burned my esophagus. I gave myself esophagitis. To a point where if it happened again, it could lead to an increased risk of cancer.
Maybe I did it not even for myself, but for my parents.
Either way, however, I decided that that was it.
I have not relapsed, and I don't plan to.
That said, my life has recently become very sedentary, and high in calories. That, paired with my loved for drinking, and with the lack of purging and diet pills, has really led to a spike in my weight the last month.
So.
What are we going to do?
Check it out in the next post.
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